Training a puppy is an ongoing process just like training your own mind. I have had to train my brain to learn to accept this new way of feeling. I would like to think this way of feeling will get better but what if it doesn't? Is it the end? Do I give up? Do I keep trying different things to feel better? It will be a year in April, which is two weeks away that I have felt like this. I really don't feel any better I am just getting used to the idea that I may feel like this forever. I don't want to feel like this forever but what is the alternative? I know what the alternative is.
When I start to feel bad I always tend to think about others who have it worse. But that doesn't make me feel any better. Yes, I am lucky in so many ways but it doesn't make me feel any better. Yes, it could be worse but it doesn't make me feel any better. What is it going to take to either get through this or somehow accept it? A near death experience? I already feel like that might be easier which is true, it would be a lot easier. My brother told me "It's a lot easier to die than to live". That is a fact. I don't want to go down without a fight but how long do you fight? Unitil the end I suppose. I've never been one to give up but it sure does take a toll on a girl.
This anxiety shit has got to end too. I have absolutely no reason to feel this anxious. I shouldn't say that. I do and I do. Of course. But again, I think what about other people? Do they worry as much as I do? Hell no. They either don't give a shit about certain things or they just don't worry about things. Sometimes I wish I just didn't care about anything, would that help?