I am so sick of feeling guilty because I do not feel like doing things. I hate having plans, dedicating myself to something or someone and just not being able to live as I feel. Which the last year has been a freaking nightmare! I may feel ok now but later or maybe in 2 minutes I feel like complete shit! No, you can't see it, but I can feel it and that should be enough. I am only writing this to myself because as usual I am my own worse enemy. I just feel guilty for not doing things if someone asks me. It is like I am constantly looking to validate myself which in this case will never happen. No one will ever really know how it feels and I can only explain so much. The words dry as a sand dollar, bit by a million fire ants, viewing out a sandy lense, wet hair pricking my back, etc. I could go on and on but as I am finding out nobody really cares and nobody seems to know what to do. So I am dealing with it and it isn't easy. Yes, I'm having a little pity party because sometimes I have to. By myself. It hurts to feel like shit every single day. Yes, I know I am not the only person in the world suffering. Yes, I know others have it worse off. Yes, I know I am quite lucky in my life. Does that make me feel better right now? No! Sorry, I can't put on a fucking happy face all the time and it's turning out where the all the time is turning into none of the time. Actually, I think I do pretty good right now on the outside. It is all good. :)
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